Humor Archives
Duck Food?
By Lt Col P
Since Tango Seven-Six got the humor ball rolling, and I'm pretty happy to be in Kuwait, here's a good one courtesy of "Abu Musa" at CSTC-A CJ-5...
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Nothing To Do With the Military But Too Funny Not To Post
By Townie 76
My cousin in Ohio sent this, it is too funny not to share.
Subject: The Best Story of the Year
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the
podium.
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom,
had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could
help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the
congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have
experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on,
"and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors
performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to
piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire
around it to hold it in place."
A gain, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice,
"thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that
with time, his scrotum should recover completely." A ll the men sighed
with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone
else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
Secure the Building
By Townie 76
I heard this one today, too good not to pass on. How the services react to this three word command, Secure the Building.
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The Beaver
By Lt Col P
Yesterday we honoured our allies in the RCR with birthday greetings.
That reminded me of something I've been meaning to post...
Some time ago, during an office cleaning expedition, we unearthed a stuffed beaver, almost certainly a relic of previous Canadian officers (there have been several). It was pretty dusty, but being the good team player I decided to get it cleaned up to be put back proudly on display. Here it is, all dusty and forlorn:
Annnnnd, here it is after a good washing, all nice and clean!
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"Mad As A Clown's Cock"
By Lt Col P
Thanks to a pair of magnificently stereotypical Australian officers here aboard USS EGGERS (LHD-1369), I can strongly recommend two Australian movies-- Kenny and The Castle.
Best viewed with beer.
Nudity...
By Lt Col P
As a rule, I'm all for it. Especially when it's Sam from Day By Day.
Liechtenstein, Andorra Forced To Fight By Larger Countries
By John
Military Fire & Rescue Humor
By Lt Col P
Don't know the original source, but this was sent to me and it's too good to pass up...
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What's the Big Deal?
By John
The Air Force is apparently having a conniption fit over this benign joke, as told by Gen. Petraeus:
A soldier is trudging through the muck in the midst of a downpour with a 60-pound rucksack on his back. This is tough, he thinks to himself. Just ahead of him trudges an Army ranger with an 80-pound pack on his back. This is really tough, he thinks. And ahead of him is a Marine with a 90-pound pack on, and he thinks to himself, I love how tough this is. Then, of course, 30,000 feet above them an Air Force pilot flips aside his ponytail. - Now I'm sorry. I don't know how that got in there, I know they haven't had ponytails in a year or two - and looks down at them through his cockpit as he flies over. Boy, he radios his wingman, it must be tough down there.
The Marine audience howled. The wonderful humorists at the Air Force Magazine, however, needed a hug -- calling the joke "offensive" and.... un-joint. CENTCOM yanked the joke from it's transcript of the event as a result, as -once again- hurt feelings rob our military culture of another wonderful, time-honored tradition -dumping on your sister services.
Look, I'm a zoomie and I'll be the first to tell you that most of the shit we take is self-inflicted. Sulking in the corner instead of laughing and returning fire with a good Marine joke (and there are plenty) is a great way to exacerbate "anti-airpower" bias (not making that up), the source -it seems- of those big wet tears running down the cheeks of the editorial staff. Grow a pair, AFM, for all of us.
New Lexington Institute Blog Renders All Other Military Blogs Completely Obsolete and Useless
By John
For the record, I think pretty highly of both Loren Thompson and the Lexington Institute. But I've gotta admit, this press release borders on self-parody. Snerks Salamander, "I guess we can close up shop now"
Greetings from New England. Yes, I too am at the beach. But I’m still working, and the purpose of this brief is to tell you about a new project that the Lexington Institute has launched while you were away. It is a defense blog. Yes, yes, I know — there are already hundreds of defense blogs, and many of them are pretty awful. But that’s why we launched our own blog on the Lexington homepage, called Early Warning. It isn’t awful. In fact, I’m betting that if you read a few entries, at some point you’ll say — “Gee, I didn’t know that.”We all recognize what the main problem is with blogs. The barriers to entry are so low that almost anyone with a laptop can start one, and it’s hard to sort out the good ones from tendentious nonsense. For every interesting, competent effort like DoD Buzz, there are dozens of ill-mannered rants masquerading as insight. To say that blogs have lowered the standards of public discourse on policy matters is an under-statement — there are no standards. Anybody can say anything, with extra points for verbosity.
We are trying a different approach. First, we intend to keep our postings brief. It will be a rare day indeed that a posting on Early Warning runs as long as this brief, and the typical posting will run to two or three paragraphs. Second, we plan to be long on facts — especially little known, useful facts — and short on opinions. I mean really, why should you care what I think about the Bradley infantry fighting vehicle or V-22 tiltrotor unless I have inside information to impart? And third, we intend to write about national security in a somewhat more expansive manner than most military analysts. We will frequently look beyond the realm of strategy and tactics, to dissect economic trends, political developments and technology breakthroughs that have a material bearing on national security.
Obviously, we do not expect this vision of a world-class web-log to spring spontaneously from the collective consciousness of the Lexington braintrust onto the Internet. It will take some time to get the blog right, including all the material that surrounds it at www.lexingtoninstitute.org. The blog has actually been up and running for over two weeks, and we are still tweaking features such as how the postings display and are written. But we think we’re off to a good start, and are already getting indications that people in the defense community have noticed.
We want Early Warning to be an island of sanity in the chaos of the Worldwide Web. With so many traditional news outlets declining and no new hierarchy of credible sources yet emerged, we’d like to offer a site that is both sensible and engaging. We will never match the resources of the New York Times or the reach of the Associated Press. But we hope that when you read something on the Lexington blog and say, “Gee, I didn’t know that,” it will be because the information is new and not because it is wrong.
JLTV Fail
By John
Lockheed's new "roll-over proof" military vehicle tragically not journalist proof
Five-Letter Word, Means "Standing At Attention"
By Lt Col P
OK, how about "upright"? No, too many letters. "Upstanding"? No, way too many letters. Hellfire and damnation! It's on the tip of my tongue (so to speak).
OH, YEAH--
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E-Mail Tag-Line
By Lt Col P
Best e-mail tag-line I've seen in a while, and I'm wondering where it came from...
"You had a plan, til I punched you in the face."
(Yes, it's from a Marine.)
Tragedy: Pentagon Reports Cheeky Army Mascot Felled in Iraq
By John
Pentagon Reports Army Mascot 'Liberty' Killed in Iraq
Airman Fail
By John
File this one under "epic"
Bonus: Airman statutory fail (reported by Sam LaGrone, VMI '03 and former rat roomie)
How to Deal with Pirates
By John
South Park tackles a knotty one. Mild content warning for racism, language, anti-Semitism, and -- well, it's South Park.
Just a quick synopsis: Eric Cartman travels to Somalia to "live the Pirate life," and somehow manages to recruit an entire gang of Somali pirates. This clip caps off the episode.
Best Story on Nazi Supercows You'll Read All Day
By John
A UK invasion of another sort....
Delicious AK-47 Takes Dangers of Fatty Foods to New Level
By John
Ok..... gross or awesome?
Please, no "scrambled egg PGM" quips in the comments.
Where Are They When We Need Them?
By Lt Col P
By way of MMM, a brilliant and beautifully executed send-up of the Congress, our Fools-not-limited-to-April.
Where are the Founding Fathers when we need them? I look around and don't see too many would-be emulators...
Awesome: Man says veteran status should let him steal candy
By John
FORT PIERCE, Fla. (AP) - Authorities arrested a man who claimed he was justified in stealing candy at a truck stop because he had served in the military. Police said an officer confronted a 31-year-old man at the truck stop early Monday morning. The officer reported finding several packages of candy and nuts, two black T-shirts and a 20 oz. bottle of beer in his pockets.
He said he had paid for all the items, but a clerk denied ringing up any purchases for him.A report stated that while in the patrol vehicle, the man screamed out the window that he had served in the military over in Iraq and could steal all the M&M'S he wanted.
His veteran status could not be immediately verified.
The man was charged with retail theft and was being held on $5,000 bail.
The benefits just keep getting sweeter and sweeter.... No pun, of course!
(ugh, I keep telling you all to quit reading this awful blog...)
Virtue Needs Some Cheaper Thrills
By John
Sigh -- I miss this strip.
And Your Point Is???
By Lt Col P
Unintentionally hilarious "indictment" of US Marine Corps recruiting strategies:
U.S. Marine Corps an Orgy Palace of Stoned, Drunk, Horny Teens, New UCSF Study SuggestsBy Matt Smith
While doomsayers bemoan America's ongoing wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, researchers at the University of California at San Francisco Medical Center may have turned up a brilliant silver lining.
Thanks to desperate recruiting methods required to staff those wars, the U.S. Marines may be turning military service into a male sexual fantasy land, where recruits are paid actual money to cohabitate with drunk, stoned, horny teenage girls.
And why was I not informed??
Anti-'89 Operative Unveiled!
By Lt Col P
We interrupt our regularly scheduled posting to bring you news from VMI. This is a joint, blue-green, BullNav-LtCol P post.
The '89 Section of Op-For has uncovered the latest indignity inflicted on our class's legacy by a hideous cabal that has operated for nearly 20 years.We recently learned that the Alumni brick-- yours for only $2500!-- bearing the name of Our Second 1st Captain, one Cadet D.G. Miller (OH), was pried loose and overturned, thereby obscuring his good name and rendering him all but unknown to current and future cadets. However, a sharp-eyed B&G crew noticed the discrepancy and corrected it. Blame has been laid on nameless 'drunks.'
This incident marks the return of the incognito evil-doer, whose previous actions included repeatedly chiseling the name of Our Second 1st Captain from the plaque inside Jackson Arch. In one case, it was reported that the name of one Cadet Matthew G. StClair (MD) was then affixed to the spot, he being Our First 1st Captain, who through his independent turn of mind was found to be an unsuitable Regimental Commander. (Rumors that no shako could be found to fit his admittedly odd head shape are unfounded, but unfortunately persist.)
However, we now believe that we can unveil the prime suspect in these actions, now that the missing piece of evidence-- i.e. 'drunks'-- has been supplied. Who is this miscreant, this known '89-hater, this fork-tongued devil and arch-fiend? WE BELIEVE IT IS NONE OTHER THAN THIS MAN:
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Forget Dear Abby
By John
Try asking an apocalypse specialist instead...
Taliban Humor
By Lt Col P
Or, rather, humor at the expense of the Taliban. And boy do they deserve it.
Yes, a few are variations on old themes-- not that there's anything wrong with that-- but a couple are right on the money. (Like 1, 4 and 8.)
Ridicule: One of the most potent weapons in the arsenal of free men.
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Gays Too Precious To Risk In Combat
By John
Comedy super gold.
Backyard Follies
By Lt Col P
Matt, loyal reader, frequent commenter, Friend Of Slab and fellow ANGLICAN, writes in with this...
He asks, "OK, Where is this in the 6-40?"
Reagan Tells Soviet Jokes
By John
Gold.
The New Thunderbirds
By Slab
I can't wait to hear the howls of outrage from the blue suiters.
RIP George Carlin
By John
So I didn't agree with the dude's politics. Big deal. He was still one of the brightest and funniest comedians of our time. I loved the way Carlin held up a mirror and made us look at our own stupid bullshit. He was great at that. And when it comes to the utility of words and the English language, Carlin had no equal.
Some people hated his fatalistic philosophy. I kinda liked it.
Here's one of my favorite routines, Carlin on "stuff."
He knows if you've been bad or good...
By John
So be good for goodness sake!
Hotel Tango - OpForian Chris
Air Power
By John
Another one for our LEADERSHIP!!!!! files....
HP Awarded Imaging and Printing Contract from United States Air Force
PALO ALTO, Calif., Apr 15, 2008 (BUSINESS WIRE) -- HP (NYSE:HPQ) today announced that it has been awarded a five-year Blanket Purchase Agreement with the United States Air Force to deploy a breadth of HP single function and multifunction printers, services, supplies and management software.
Ahhh the wild blue yonder has never been bluer.
Cuss-o-meter
By John
Awww horseshit...
Created by OnePlusYou
I guess that makes us work and family safe... not. I *believe* I'm the only blogger here who uses naughty words in his posts, though I highly encourage the rest of the gang to let loose, as we Irish love nothing more than a long, grandiose string of filthy verbiage. The English invented the limerick, but the Irish made it dirty!
I mean, to have an Air Force guy out-curse two Marines, two sailors, and a soldier? Unsat, compadres.
Hotel Tango: Donovan (who is sitting pretty at 6%. You've won this round...)
Ghost Riding HMMWVs
By Charlie
For those of you not familiar with the streets, Ghost Riding is putting your car in 1st gear, and then getting out and dancing while loudly playing bad music.
What happens when soldiers do it?
Hilarity, that's what.
Somewhere a safety officer is quietly weeping...
Friday Stupid Gold Mine
By John
Air drop bloopers. They're what we VMI men call a gratifying spectacle.
Never had so much fun watching my tax dollars wasted....
Fooled Again
By Lt Col P
I had a fine childhood in a good family. I graduated from VMI, and have had a great career in the Marines. I've had good jobs and bad jobs, and am fortunate to have a great one now. I have an absolutely wonderful family, and a good life. Beer is still available in quantity, and guns too, thank God.
Yet, when I saw THIS, I thought, "Boy, your life is now complete. Can it get any better??"
Alas, it was not to be. I looked closer, and remembered the date.
"And I saw a leg"
By John
No matter how often The Onion snidely dumps on Iraq, they never fail to bring teh funny. Kind of in the same way that you're amused by a drunken racist uncle, the comedy of it all has a holy way of washing away the stains of greater ideological sins.
That, or my convictions only run as deep as my funny bone. Enjoy, my fellow hypocrites.
Sunday Super Stupid
By John
In honor of St. Paddy's Day, I give you the absolutely dumbest version of Danny Boy that you'll ever hear. Ever.
I keep telling people to stop reading this idiotic blog, but no one ever listens.
If Chuck Norris had a CAC Card
By John
Hypothetically speaking, of course.
Speaking of the Daily Show
By John
Lt. General William Caldwell, one of military blogging's leading advocates, sat in with Jon Stewart this past Monday.
Odds, ends...
By Charlie
Nuclear engineers from North Korea are in Syria. Probably just vacationing sunny Damascus! Move along, nothing to see here...
Next: In California, a foster kid wants to join the Marines. Fine, good on him. BUT: you need a judge's approval if you're a ward of the state (Apparently. I didn't know that) and the judge, is... well.. opinionated:
"The judge said she didn't support the Iraq war for any reason why we're over there," said Marine recruiter Sgt. Guillermo Medrano of the Simi Valley USMC recruiting office."She just said all recruiters were the same - that they `all tap dance and tell me what I want to hear.' She said she didn't want him to fight in it."
What the hell is wrong with California? First the Berkley thing, now this?
Finally, from the fertile brains of a bunch of bored British soldiers, its FOB: the Musical!
Funny. Gay, but funny. I'm starting to think that bored soldiers are better sources of creativity than Hollywood. This could be something that Hollywood could tap in to, perhaps, except that California wants nothing to do with us because we're all imperialist stormtroopers who kill puppies and were duped into joining by crafty, evil, recruiters. So, they're content to keep churning out crap like Lost.
Iraqi AAA Roadside Assistance
By John
Lowry sent this to me and I about shit I laughed so hard. Starts off a little slow, but cash money ending.
Bullshit Bingo!
By Charlie
Hey staff officers and anybody working at Brigade-level or above!
Sick of buzzwords and meaningless phrases spouted off by self-important people seeking to prove their intellect? Stuck in a meeting observing this? Stand by, for Bullshit Bingo!
This hearkens back to the larger "language" problem that the Army has. To wit:
Military terminology is supposed to be succinct, clear, and easily understood by everyone. In other words, "attack" and "defend" have certain doctrinal definitions that are (or should be) easily comprehended by all soldiers. I can't tell you how many times I've had to whip out the FM 101-5-1 and explain to someone what, exactly, an NAI, or PIR is.
Corporate America's lexicon can get as wacky as it wants, but the military should firewall itself off from this temptation. Words mean things, and keeping military terminology clear and concise should be something we try to work towards.
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Watch that Recoil
By Charlie
Yeah, its old. Funny, though.
UN Estimates There are More Than 250,000 Child Soldiers Worldwide
By Charlie
Sad:
The United Nations estimates there are more than a quarter million children worldwide who are being drawn into armed conflict as child soldiers. Internally displaced children living in camps are at special risk. ...Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon warns in his annual report to the Security Council that internal displacement and the recruitment of children as soldiers are closely linked. Refugee and IDP camps are prime recruiting grounds due to the concentration of vulnerable children in them..
But, funny:
Report: American Schools Trail Behind World In Aptitude Of Child Soldiers
Warning!!
By John
"Terroristas" spotted in the mainland US!
"Preferably Within An Hour"
By Lt Col P
Bored Marines, a video camera, an unsuspecting cabbie...
Now, that's comedy.
I think Slab would share the sentiment. Hell, maybe Slab produced and directed this clip.
Vast Engineering Conspiracy hits Hollywood!
By John
Caught the new Nicholas Cage flick, National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets, earlier this week. Our resident engineering troll Bullnav must have taken advantage of the writers' strike and snuck some input into the script, because the main villain -played by Ed Harris- was described as a history major from the Virginia Military Institute.
Lt Col P and I are terribly offended. Or flattered. One of the two, anyway.
Well, That's One Way to PT
By John
West Pointers at their finest....
No, You Divert Your Course
By John
It's an old Navy myth that the Navy insists never happened. But that doesn't make this commercial for Silva navigation any less funny.
No doubt that at some point in history, another milblogger has posted this. It ain't exactly fresh material. What can I say? There's no news coming out of Iraq, I need filler.
Dated or not, it still makes me laugh.
As for real Navy humor? You can't beat the Brits:
The former Soviet navy regarded the Black Sea as a private lake and disliked naval intrusions. In the early 1960s a British destroyer flotilla entered the Black Sea and the Russians rushed some cruisers out at high speed and closed in...
Russian cruisers signalled urgently: "What are you doing in the Black Sea?"
Reply: "Twenty-one knots".
Course the Ruskies got their own jabs in:
A Soviet 'trawler' had been shadowing a NATO exercise for several days taking notes and gathering SIGINT.As the ships queued up to refuel a British frigate signalled her: "Do you require refuelling?"
Reply: "Not if your exercise finishes on time".
Baaaaaaaaah!
Oh for God's Sake
By John
Dennis Miller, another pro-victory centurion, summed up his frustration with the Iraqi people: It's like playing Stratego with Charles Manson. He makes a few good moves and you think, 'Hey, Charlie's got it together.' Then he shoves the dice up his ass.
On that note, I was just reading a dead tree story on how the Iraqi Army and police have been making some remarkable strides...
...and then I saw this:
Excuse me if watching a squad of Iraqi troops flailing around like a bunch of retarded spider monkeys doesn't inspire much confidence.
I know, I know. I'm still on board guys, relax. But jeez...
Heh, kinda funny though.
Hotel Tango: Pia
Nevermore!
By Lt Col P
John has his "Obligatory Halloween Thriller Post" -- John, just how old were you in '82?? I'll see your King of Pop and raise you a Poe-m, to wit, the greatest reading of "The Raven" eva.
RAPID UPDATE-- Dammit, Beavis!! The youtube link doesn't work, so you'll have to make do with the original text.
Enjoy.
Update 2 (John): Got it fixed. This was a great call on Col P's part. I think that "stupid seraphim" is the quote of the day.
Speaking of Slab
By John
He had the quote of the year in an email this morning:
So far, it's been an effing boring deployment. [My wife] asked what I wanted for Christmas, and I said "Insurgents." I don't know that we've necessarily turned the corner out here, but they're definitely on their heels and reeling.
A Kinder, Gentler Private Security Service
By John
Image is everything, even in shady world of private security contracting. So leading US security firm Blackwater, after a string of bad press, is launching a new PR offensive.... complete with a shiny new logo and everything.
Okay, maybe that's not their new logo. But a bunch of folks (including this guy) who read the Danger Room blog think it should be. Click through the image to vote on your favorite.
Aside. I feel for Blackwater. They've got a bunch of dorks running around calling them mercenaries, without even knowing what a mercenary is (foreign soldiers hired by a foreign government to fight its wars). That's a far cry from an American company running protective services for diplomats out in Iraq. But y'know these anti-war folks... they get all hysterical sometimes.
So go soothe their volatile emotions by voting for a pretty, kid-friendly logo already.
Hotel Tango: Blackfive
Sure, Why Not?
By John
The Cold War Unicorns Play Set allows you to play out the intense struggle between two global superpowers in the majestic fantasy world of the Unicorn! Can the Communist Unicorn’s horn of classless social structure hold up against the Freedom Unicorn’s hooves of capitalist opportunity? Each hard vinyl unicorn is 3-3/4" tall with articulated joints for all sorts of dramatic poses.
Guaranteed to appeal to.... well just about no one. Minus some smartass old war planners/merry pranksters dwelling deep in the bowels of the Pentagon, I suppose.
Although, I gotta confess. Part of me wants to click "order," just so I can live out my Cold War Rocky IV fantasy. Y'know, where Communist Unicorn trained in state-of-the-art Soviet facilities, with a team coaches and doctors, and was injected with performance-enhancing steroids.... while Freedom Unicorn sweated it out in a frosty Russian barn, training with nothing but an old pack mule cart and a cargo-net full of rocks.
Eventually...yes... Freedom Unicorn does go on to avenge his dead friend My Little Pony, killed by Communist Unicorn.
Anyway...
Feel free to stop reading this blog.
Seriously.
Hotel Tango: Farley
"Congratulations, Mister Mayor. San Francisco is now France."
By John
No, seriously.That's a direct quote.
Blunt, yo.
That's how military.com rolls.
Miller Harpoons Lynne Stewart
By Lt Col P
Michelle Malkin reported on this loathsome collaborator the other day-- no picture here, I can't stand the sight of her. (Although maybe a "sight picture" of her...)
Yesterday, Dennis Miller harpooned her, as only he can, with, "I hope Queequeg is on this one..."
Brilliant.
Video Of The Day: Achmed The Dead Terrorist
By Lt Col P
Via the 10-8 Forums. It's already been removed from YouTube, so enjoy it onLiveLeak while you can.
Ha!
Toilet Humor
By Lt Col P
This has nothing to do with military matters, but I think we can all use a laugh. I know I can. If you aren't amused by, or indeed easily offended by, scatological humor, don't read on.
I have a singing toilet at home. Mrs LtCol P is getting tired of it, so I googled "singing toilet" to see what would come up. I got this, which in addition to being informative, rewarded me with unforeseen amusements, to wit-- innocuous references to...
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Triumphal Macho-Geeks!
By John
The American Prospect blog is making fun of me (I think!!??).
Goldfarb notes the killing of reputed al-Qaeda car-bomb specialist Abu Yaqub al-Masri, and links to this wonderful post that I think perfectly captures the deliriously triumphal macho-geek essence of the species warblogger.
My totally rad Legion of Doom metaphor followed.
But dude, take out "delirious" and I consider that a big fat compliment. In fact, I might have to change our name from OPFOR to "Triumphal Macho-Geeks."
Gawd I do love how victory talk makes them fidget.
Duss continues with:
It's great that we've gotten rid of a guy who was blowing up civilians. It's tragic that we created a situation where he could practice and perfect his craft, and teach it to others. Before popping the corks over the death of the Toyman, we should consider that he's created dozens of other Toymen, who will in turn create dozens more.
Stop being such a Negative Nancy, Duss. I'm not sure where anti-war folks developed this Fantasia view of terrorists, where killing one somehow automatically means another two pop up out of his corpse, but it ain't realistic. You know what really creates more terrorists?
Weakness.
So take note. Killing the enemy is a good thing. Savor it. Relish it. Don't make it political baby, Al'Qa'ida is at 25% of it's pre-9/11 strength... they haven't been multiplying, they've been dividing... into tiny, little JDAM baked pieces. Rejoice and be glad.
Reminds me of that bit from Patton:
Capt. Oskar Steiger: [inside the German bunker] Sir, the Americans have taken Palermo!General Alfred Jodl: Damn!
Messenger: [after pulling up to Monty's command post] Sir, Patton's taken Palermo!
Field Marshal Sir Bernard Law Montgomery: Damn!
Also, note to the wannabe Dr. Phils in their comments section. I'm active duty military, so your deep, insightful theories on how I'm not in touch with the reality of war is kind of... eh, dumb.
Prepare to have your mind blown
By John
The United States Naval Academy. Just one big lie.
It's not a school at all. It's the military, bro. The military.
I'm a little late making the rounds on this gem, but the tone.... like that of a teacher patiently instructing her second grade class.... makes it too damn good to pass up.
Columbia's student newspaper, The Spectator, blows the lid off of the 200 year old conspiracy:
When I looked at the course catalogue, which boasted seminars about leadership and selflessness, they were in fact seminars about weaponry and leading troops into combat. The reality of sending my brother to the Naval Academy began to set in: this was not a school; this was the military. While they boast a first class education, the main goal of this institution was to get my brother “combat ready.” During the first two “induction days,” the head of the Navy openly admitted that their goal was to transform these boys into men who would willingly die defending our country. They said to my parents, “We will manage to do in 18 minutes what you could not do in 18 years—we will discipline your boys and have them calling you Sir and Ma’am.” When they talked of courage and bravery, they showed a video of a Navy marine rounding off an unlimited supply of ammunition. During my brother’s plebe summer (his first summer), he could not talk to us for more than a few minutes once a week for fear that we might unduly influence him.My brother ended up liking Annapolis and he has decided to stay. While it has been difficult for me to accept that I have a brother in the military, I must allow him to pursue whatever path he is drawn toward, and he has admitted to me that he feels called to being there. However, for anyone else out there considering a career in the academy, let it be known: the U.S. Naval Academy is not an elite college; it is first and foremost a branch of the U.S. military and the prestige comes at a big price—it taxes parents, siblings, and participants if they do not understand what they were signing up for.
Hotel Tango: Goldfarb, who writes "And this is only the first installment of a four-part series. Newsroom sources say part two will reveal that the United States Military Academy is, in fact, operated by the United States Army, and this despite the fact that the word 'Army' appears nowhere in the name of the "school."
The bastards.
VMI Hurricane
By John
Tailgates and helicopters don't mix, folks. A thousand thank-yous to reader and retired Army helicopter pilot Graham T., who sends photos and wisdom: "one hundred MPH rotor wash will do this."
Hilarity here:
The humanity.....
LtCol P says... Oh the humanity?? Oh the Class of 89!! From multiple sources, and confirmed by One Who Is Close To Barracks, I am pleased to say this aircraft was piloted by a member of the Class of 89! Please join me and BullNav in an Old Yell.
Sure, We May Not Win Football Games....
By John
....but you can't beat our tailgates (stolen shamelessly from the VMI alumni message boards).
There was one exciting moment at the W&M game. I arrived late with a BR and as we were about to troop from around Commandant's house across parade ground (a deck is in the back of my house) to the stadium, two Naval Service helicopters landed behind Stonewalls Statue (show and tell after the game) and the downdraft promptly blew away the first row of tents to include food, chairs, etc. set up in tailgate area of parade ground. The Parents Council area was devastated. After determining nobody got hurt, it was worth a laugh and a fine prelude to the game which followed. I think the pilots were from the damp side of the Naval Service – undoubtedly USMC pilots would have taken out more tents.Bert Graham `74
Attention VMI helicopter pilots! I've found an LZ for The Military Classic of the South. Land here:
Air Power!
By John
So Blackfive has a great post up on the worst military recruiting commercials of all time that's worth a look. I was most pleased to see that the Marine Corps lava monster commercial made Matt's list, an ad that no doubt elicited an uproarious whiskey tango foxtrot!!??? from Marines worldwide.
Not to toot my own service's horn here, but I challenge any of the branches to top the Air Force's moving Lullaby tv spot:
Still gives me goosebumps.
Although a more realistic version of today's Air Force can be seen here:
4... 3... 2... 1...
By Lt Col P
Via the 10-8 Forums, the last four seconds of a worthless pig's life...
I don't know about you, but that made my day.
Soar Falcons, Soar
By John
No doubt this guy was also on the business end of an extended, O-course safety briefing/powerpoint presentation.....
This is your Air Force!
And looks like a dummy M-16 to boot!
Question though. Is that any worse than the real M-14s with their firing pins removed that we carried as VMI cadets?
Hotel Tango: Military Motivator
Better Living Through Bathroom Etiquette
By John
Heh, alright this was pretty funny.
Name the Future Combat System!
By John
The Army needs a new name for its gazillion-dollar modernization plan, Future Combat Systems. Let's help 'em out. Yesterday,we got dozens of suggestions for what to call the mega-ambitious, budget-busting program. Our panel of experts has narrowed the field down to ten handles. Now it's time to vote on the best one.To save the Army a few bucks on graphics, the winning name will get a custom-designed logo, courtesy of the Robot Economist. (He's already done one up for his choice.) Hit it!
Follow the link to weigh in. I don't want to sway hearts and minds or anything, but Battle-Oriented Optical Networking Data Operations Ground-Geared Linkage Elements (BOONDOGGLE) has my vote.
Mud
By John
Iced Tea came out my nose....
Here's the link to the original photo, which comes from the Air Force website. Air Force public affairs has really been hitting the Academy basic training course hard this summer.
Click through the pic for the Hotel Tango. Plenty more where that came from.
Canadian Combat Art
By Lt Col P
Most of you regulars will know that I'm a big fan of my fellow Marine, Mike Fay's, combat art.
By way of The Torch, I have found his Canadian doppelganger.
Would that make Mr Johnson...
Read More »
Kings of the Road
By John
Col. Patrick calls it "Middle East Driving 101," I call it "Owning the freakin' road 101."
Nothing says "move it" like singing a little bumper music to the poor rusted jalopy in your front sites, eh?
**NAUGHTY LANGUAGE WARNING**
Hotel Tango: Duty in the Desert
The World's Stupidest Fatwas
By John
My favorite? Pokemon:
Denouncing the lovable Japanese cartoon characters as having “possessed the minds” of Saudi youngsters, Saudi Arabia’s highest religious authority banned Pokémon video games and cards in the spring of 2001. Not only do Saudi scholars believe that Pokémon encourages gambling, which is forbidden in Islam, but it is apparently a front for Israel as well. The fatwa’s authors claimed that Pokémon games include, “the Star of David, which everyone knows is connected to international Zionism and is Israel’s national emblem.” Religious authorities in the United Arab Emirates joined in, condemning the games for promoting evolution, “a Jewish-Darwinist theory that conflicts with the truth about humans and with Islamic principles,” but didn’t ban them outright. Even the Catholic Church in Mexico got into the act, calling Pokémon video games “demonic.”
These guys need to get a life in such a bad way.
Our Elite Academies
By John
Heh. Soar Falcons, soar!
Pat Sajak needed a second to find the words....
Course I have an idea of how it'd look if the AFA cadet switched places with a VMI man:
Hotel Tango: Chick Pilot
Gay Explosion!
By John
Pentagon Confirms it Sought to Build 'Gay Bomb" - A Berkeley watchdog organization that tracks military spending said it uncovered a strange U.S. military proposal to create a hormone bomb that could purportedly turn enemy soldiers into homosexuals and make them more interested in sex than fighting.Pentagon officials on Friday confirmed to CBS 5 that military leaders had considered, and then subsquently rejected, building the so-called "Gay Bomb."
Edward Hammond, of Berkeley's Sunshine Project, had used the Freedom of Information Act to obtain a copy of the proposal from the Air Force's Wright Laboratory in Dayton, Ohio.
As part of a military effort to develop non-lethal weapons, the proposal suggested, "One distasteful but completely non-lethal example would be strong aphrodisiacs, especially if the chemical also caused homosexual behavior."
Seems like a short term solution, as far as non-lethal options go. Unless the eggheads at Wright-Patt also figured out a way to chemically engineer Viagra into an aresol agent to go with...
And maybe attach a giant disco ball to the underbelly of a stealthy, gaydar evading HH-60 designed to hover over a target area while blasting ABBA's "Dancing Queen".....
Hey, it is the Air Force.
Your Air Force, people.
Hotel Tango: Lex, who always seems to be one step ahead....
Scurrry Airplanes Return!
By John
San Frans want Blue Angels out:
SAN FRANCISCO - The annual aerial show by the U.S. Navy’s Blue Angels — a San Francisco tradition dating back to 1981 that pumps millions into the local economy — is running into opposition from three local peace advocacy groups that are calling for a permanent halt to the popular Fleet Week flyover.Which reminded me of this letter the editor from last year's Bay Area fleet week:
CodePink, Global Exchange and Veterans for Peace, Chapter 69, are working with Supervisor Chris Daly on a Board of Supervisors resolution to address concerns over the Blue Angels.Daly acknowledged he is considering a call to halt the flyovers because, he said, “they seem dangerous and unnecessary.” Daly said he plans on introducing the resolution as early as Tuesday, but is still drafting the language. A resolution is not legally binding, but states a board position.
Editor -- Thank you, Fleet Week. My preschool-aged daughter, having heard your airplanes overhead all week, is now completely traumatized and afraid to go outside. She just heard a commercial airliner in the sky and ran inside shrieking, shaking, and trying to close all the windows and doors. We tried to have a fun family weekend enjoying free music in our park, but it was ruined by the thundering sound of those hateful airplanes overhead, forcing her (and most of the other children I saw) to throw her hands over her face and cower.If there is ever an opportunity for me to vote on any proposition keeping this ridiculous event and huge waste of resources from marring the skies of my city again, you can bet I'll be the first in line to get it voted in.
You know, in a way - and no offense to the real people living in and about the bay area, SJBill - this would kind of be a relief. As a city, San Francisco has long ago stopped pretending that they support their military. We could stop pretending that we like San Francisco.We don’t have to like San Francisco. We get paid to defend them. It’s our job.
The rest of the country?
We’re doing that for free.
Heh. An okay guy, Lex.
Sounds About Right
By John
Apparently the Air Force is collecting butterflies in LA. I'm serious, read the contract.
Actually Vandenberg AFB....Vandyland, where said collection is to take place...is about 2 hours north of Los Angeles. It's also a wildlife habitat of sorts, I used to spot all kinds of game on their wooded jogging trails when I was stationed there.
Still, Vandy's primary mission is spacelift....other wise known as the launching of giant, polluting rockets that slip the surly bonds of earth and stick equally giant NRO spy birds into polar orbit.
The mission is NOT entomology. What is this hippy crap?
Hotel Tango: The Dew Line via Danger Room.
Art Imitates Life...
By Lt Col P
... In the pages of Day By Day, yesterday and today. I feel Zed's pain.
That comic strip is a national asset. I only wish there was a password-protected version, if you know what I mean...
Safety First, Mission Second
By John
So a couple of years back, an Air Force chief of staff declared that it was his intention to "reduce accidents by 50%." Every since, we've been the nanny service....where the Air Force's first and last line of defense against accidents is a cumbersome, poorly crafted "safety briefing."
Want to drive to the field? Get a safety brief. Climb a ladder? Safety brief. Take a weekend? Safety brief. We've even dedicated an entire season to this service-wide hand holding, awkwardly labeled "101 critical days of summer," where we get....even more safety briefs! (Last year, one of my fellow CGOs kept a broken thumb secret for a full six weeks because, in his words, "I just can't take another 101 critical days of summer briefing.")
So naturally the entire Air Force safety program has turned into one giant punchline. Por ejemplo....
Earlier today, I was watching some maintainers fix one of our broken toys. A staff sergeant, out of sight, slightly burned his hand, and let out a tremendous yelp. In comes a concerned looking Senior Airman, who sprints up to our wounded Sergeant and hollers "Sarge are you ok? DO YOU NEED A SAFETY BRIEF?"
I laughed so hard, I thought I was going to throw up.
Top Aviation Movies of All Time
By John
Chic[k] Pilot laments the top ten list, as selected by 10k readers of Air Venture:
The champion is "Top Gun," the 1986 blockbuster that starred Tom Cruise (an EAA member), Kelly McGillis, Tom Skerritt, Val Kilmer, Anthony Edwards and several other stars in a drama based at the U.S. Navy's "Top Gun" fighter training school. The movie, which was the biggest grossing film in the U.S. that year, will be shown during EAA AirVenture Oshkosh 2007 at the event's Fly-In Theater, presented by Ford Motor Company and Eclipse Aviation. ....... The finalists were the 10 most-nominated films by EAA members earlier this year, who submitted more than 140 aviation movies. Others in the final poll included "Battle of Britain" (1969) with 11.8 percent; "Spirit of St. Louis" (1957) and "The Great Waldo Pepper" (1975), each with 8.6 percent; "Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines" (1965) 7.1 percent; "The Flight of the Phoenix" (1965) 5.2 percent; "The High and the Mighty" (1954) with 4.0 percent and "The Blue Max" (1966) with 4.0 percent
CP posted the top five in list form, which probably wouldn't have killed Air Venture to do themselves:
1. Top Gun
2. Twelve O'Clock High
3. Memphis Belle
4. Battle of Britain
5. Spirit of St. Louis
Top Gun over Memphis Belle? I'm sure it had nothing to do with the screenplay: "She's a civilian, so you DO NOT salute her."
Well....Alright Then
By John
Certain ladies in the milblogging community have informed me that I simply must post this:
I think they got the story wrong though, that's a shot of my homecoming at the Denver Airport, not the bleacher section of a lacrosse game.
It's Flashman Day, Damn Your Eyes!
By Lt Col P
This weekend is not only the 2nd Annual MilBlog Conference and Son & Heir's second birthday, but it's also Harry Flashman's birthday. To those of you who are Flashman fans, he needs no introduction. However, to the uninitiated, he is the most magnificently vile, awful, lecherous, treacherous, cowardly scoundrel you could imagine. He is, in fact, the greatest soldier that never lived.
Who fled for his life during the retreat from Kabul, and was later hailed as the gallant sole survivor? Why, it's old Flash Harry! Who was that paleface seen valiantly cutting down the Sioux at Little Bighorn, or errr, rather trying to save himself from one of his own most despicable acts? It's Colonel Flashman, God Bless 'im! Who was it that toadied his betters from India to England, bullied his inferiors nearly from pole to pole, and never passed up a chance to debauch a lady of any race, creed or nationality? Why, it's the hero of Balaclava!
The genius of the Flashman books is their unimpeachable historical accuracy, save of course for Flashman himself, and he is a borrowed work of fictional genius. One can learn so much from them that they should be classed as faction instead of fiction. The Great Game, the American Civil War, the slave trade, the Opium Wars, the Indian Mutiny, and God knows what else. It's all there in great detail, told by one of history's greatest cads.
So to Flashman fans new and old, raise a glass this weekend to Sir Harry. Don't we all wish we could be him for a day!
Late addition... The "editor" of the Flashman Papers is none other than the author of Quartered Safe Out Here, one of the best memoirs of WWII.
A Modest Proposal on the Tops in Blue
By John
Chic[k]pilot writes of our festive military road show:
I wince at the mention of tops in blue. As a cadet I was forced to see them perform so the auditorium was not empty. I will never claim them. If anyone is mad at where money is going, they should be mad at that.I like it. I'm sure we'd save a cool 1-2 mil by axing them. And hey, it'd make someone in the bloated Air Force acquisitions structure happy. "Hot dog! Look..General, we can afford another 1/200th of an F-22!"
Three Morals
By John
You know, Aesop doesn't hold a candle to the simple wisdom of military grunts. I owe this beautiful bit of guidance to one of the wing's Senior Master Sergeants.
It's an NCO tale, so the language is a bit salty.
Read More »
Muir Nails It
By John
I'm laughing, but crying on the inside. Truth hurts.
Deep War Thought of the Day
By John
“If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.” ~Jack Handy
Complexity
By John
What's that old saying about simplicity being key to victory??
Hotel Tango: Chic[k] Pilot, which is an appropriate enough name for her blog, I suppose.
And What's the Deal With....
By John
Guinness? Seriously.
Seems like everyone I know who likes the stuff turns into this religious devotee of the famous Irish brew. I'm not criticizing, mind you (Lex would have my head). I just want to understand the phenomena.
It's great beer, sure. And I suppose my Irish Catholic roots dictate that I'm somehow genetically predisposed to liking the stuff. But loving? Like a puppy? Or a sister? Or a...heh, deity?
Tell me. Teach me.
And yes, I know that if you make a proper Irish carbomb, the stuff mixed with Jamison's and Bailey's will give you a delish chocolate milk taste. Right before the Bailey's curdles. Mmmmmm.
Totally Team Thompson
By John
After seeing Will Collier's campaign slogan:
I've spent the last 10 minutes laughing and gasping for air.
Palm Pilots
By John
Cool piece of kit from our blogging brothers at Kit Up!
The Hatch CQB glove is amazing. It's made of Kevlar with a kangaroo skin palm. The cuff is long enough to cover your watch and fits nicely under your ACU cuff. The fabric is thin enough that you can do most tasks (including shooting) without removing the glove. I spent 3 months in training and 12 months operating in Iraq with these. I still have the pair (although they are nearly black now), and they still go to the field with me every time. Great gloves.
The description made me laugh. When it said "it's made of Kevlar with a kangaroo skin palm," I couldn't help but to think of that great line from Anchorman.:
"It's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.....They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time, it works every time."
Buy a pair here.
Best St. Paddy's Day Line Ever
By John
Broke up five fights. Someone accidentally dumped a Guinness on me. I tried to wring it out of my sweater into a cup for them to finish it...I have some cut up knuckles (*cough* not sure why) to show for it.
I was punching my knee I laughed so hard.
J'Accuse!
By John
A sad day for the VMI men at OPFOR:
One of our favorite bloggers, smiling and taking pictures with (gag) a Citadel cadet!
Michelle, say it ain't so!
The Man Gauntlet
By John
Well Blackfive all but pulled out a white glove and slapped me across the face with his challenge.
88%. Matt won. I was starting to get cocky (even got the very UN-manly question on the Monet painting), until there was a 10 question barrage where you had to ID the delicious parts of a cow. I think I got two of those, tops.
By the way, some of these questions will have you laughing out loud. The "which one of these is a ninja" and "which one of these is a cougar" had me dying.
Take the Experience Old Spice Challenge.
Air Force NCO "Stripped" of Rank
By Lt Col P
OK, there's a "discharge" joke in here somewhere...
Jimbo Brings The Funny
By John
When You Set Out to Take Vienna...
By Lt Col P
BY GOD, SIR, TAKE VIENNA!
Napoleon's famous advice is as worthy today as it was 200 years ago.
Not to make light of the poor intended victim (and a bit of free advice to you, my dear Captain Shipman-- don't get a restraining order, get a gun) or the moon-loon's unfortunate blameless family, but what military lessons can we learn from CAPT Nowak's incontinental transcontinental movement to contact?
Why, as Napoleon would have pointed out, it's ruthless single-minded concentration on the objective, once you've set your sights on it. Or her, as the case may be. OBJECTIVE is, has been and always will be the most important of the nine principles of war, commonly abbreviated as M-O-O-S-E-M-U-S-S.
If only our body politic and our some of our elected officials were as ruthlessly single-minded. We'd have a lot fewer problems. They would do well to remember that when you set out to take Vienna, don't settle for Salzburg. Take the damn place and be done with it.
Napoleon and Nowak; they'd have made quite a pair.
Muir: Outside the Wire
By John
Patriotic Terrorists
By John
Another gutbuster from Gutfield:
What is a patriotic terrorist?It is an American who claims to love his or her country while enjoying the enemy's success against said country. It is a person who gets deeply offended if you question their patriotism, while also appearing to share the same ideals of the more spirited folk who like to blow up innocent people.
Patriotic terrorists love America with so much intensity that it appears to the untrained eye that they hate it. But it's actually the most powerful form of "tough love" known to man, woman and Rosie O'Donnell. Patriotic terrorists love America so much that they realize it needs an intervention - and real terror is the only way to enable that intervention. In fact, to keep a mammoth, arrogant superpower like America in check, terrorism is the only thing we've got. Noam Chomsky knew this from the start, making him a patriotic terrorist of the highest order.
Hotel Tango: Mikey
WWII Moonbattery
By Lt Col P
For no reason at all, except that it's fairly amusing*, and that I suppose it illustrates that's there's nothing new under the sun, I'd like to share something I came across in John Masters's classic about the second Chindit campaign, The Road Past Mandalay. He and his brigade have just been forced to withdraw from their stronghold, "Blackpool," after a vicious fight against the Japanese deep inside Burma. Exhausted, soaked and hungry, they lie up for the night. Masters is about to go to sleep when a member of his comm section comes right up to him and says, "I think this campaign is a disgrace... I mean why we're here. To save the profits of the oil companies."
Pissed off, he wakes up.
Read More »
The Last Snowflake
By John
From Lt.Cmdr Brook Dewalt:
In his six years in the Pentagon, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was infamous for his "snowflakes" -- memos that flew from his fingers giving various staff members and sections sometimes short-notice and short-suspense tasks. Today he sent out a final snowflake, thanking the men and women of the Pentagon for their long hours and multitude of missions. And he granted amnesty for all outstanding snowflakes.
Here's a copy:
**Update** Naturally, Blackfive beats me to it. He's also got a nice Rummy roundup posted.
Dennis Miller on Iraq, Al Qaeda, and President Bush
By John
I was a fan of Dennis Miller's long before he came over to the "let's fight this war" camp. Some of you may know that Miller, the former Saturday Night Live star, became a vociferous proponent of both the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq after the Sept. 11th attacks, changing his ideological leaning from Hollywood liberal to conservative Hawk. Below is a video bit of a Miller standup routine that is excellent in both delivery and message.
This quote will stick with me for a long, long time.
"If I didn't believe in this war, in public I would lie and say I did until all these kids were home. I really would. I just don't think our opinions matter all that much right now. We've got twenty year old kids....you know i love those kids, and I would never say anything that would make them feel like they're fighting a war that no one cares about over there."
Miller '08 anyone?
Camo Testing
By John
Glory be to John Donovan for this gem. The new Army BDU pattern seems to be quite effective, even in the most mundane of urban settings.
Hotel Tango to The Castle
IED Hunter
By Slab
It's been a busy week, training to drop bombs and whatnot. I see my post on women in ground combat arms has sparked quite a few comments, as it was intended to do.
Now for something on the lighter side. This video is hi-lar-i-ous. I will refrain from commenting on it, as these Marines have done such a great job that nothing else needs to be said.
Introducing The Deadlies
By John
What's more deadly than a pair of minature helicopters?
That's how Noah Shachtman got thinking about a new type of contest, a cross between Wired's Raves and the Darwin Awards, appropriately dubbed The Deadlies.
Noah is now taking submissions for "The Earth's most lethal gadgetry," nominees which include atomic automobiles and inflateable space pods.
I, for one, will be voting for Darpa's man-cannon.
Send in your own nomination for The Deadlies here.
Noah has also launched a biweekly Defense Tech newsletter that's pretty cool. Right up your ally if you're a gizmo geek.
IDF Exposes Anti-D&D Bias
By John
I thought this was pretty funny, from The Castle.
IDF Frowns on Dungeons & Dragons
IDF says players are detached from reality and automatically given a low security clearanceBy Hanan Greenberg
Published: 02.28.05, 14:17Does the Israel Defense Forces believe incoming recruits and soldiers who play Dungeons and Dragons are unfit for elite units? Ynet has learned that 18-year-olds who tell recruiters they play the popular fantasy game are automatically given low security clearance.
“They're detached from reality and suscepitble to influence,” the army says.
Fans of the popular roleplaying game had spoken of rumors of this strange policy by the IDF, but now the army has confirmed that it has a negative image of teens who play the game and labels them as problematic in regard to their draft status.
So if you like fantasy games, go see the military psychologist.
Dungeons and Dragons (also known as D&D) has been a popular roleplaying game for decades and is based on a fantasy world.
I, for one, am a strong proponent of the combat effectiveness of nerds. Look at Matthew Broderick in War Games. One properly motivated computer geek nearly ended mankind. Surely the IDF has use for such unique specimens.
But, I digress. Perhaps this is one of the reasons that the IDF is one of the most effective fighting forces in the world? It certainly is an interesting way to purge their ranks of weakness. World of Warcraft gamers also need not apply.
Hotel Tango - Milblogs
Owned
By John
God this makes me proud to be a VMI man. Taken at the VMI-Citadel football game.
Forget picture of the day, this is the picture of the year.
**Update** Had some requests for background info. As I heard it, the VMI cheerleading squad ran onto the field with a Bulldog, which is the Citadel's mascot. A few Citadel knobs (freshman) mistakenly thought that their Bulldog had been captured by VMI, and decided to liberate the beast. They did so with poor results, as you can see from the picture above.
Well, There You Have it
By Lt Col P
If I were writing headlines these days...
Read More »
Best. Video. Ever.
By John
Fishing. Afghanistan style.
Showed this to Schippert at Threats Watch, who said "even Islam has rednecks."
Hotel Tango: Milblogging.com
Korean Central News Agency: Fair and Balanced!
By John
Have you guys ever read the English version of the North Korean News? It's some quality comedy.
U.S. Sinister Aim of "Transfer of Right to Command Wartime Operations" Disclosed --
Pyongyang, September 29 (KCNA) -- The U.S. and south Korea are now discussing the issue of "transfer of the right to command the wartime operations". What the U.S. seeks through this is to accelerate the preparations for a war of aggression against the north.
U.S. Encroachment on Territorial Sovereignty of Korea under Fire --
Pyongyang, September 29 (KCNA) -- It is an unpardonable encroachment upon territorial sovereignty that the United States called some places of south Korea "Florida" and "Hawaii" as it pleases. Rodong Sinmun says this in a signed commentary Friday. Rcalling that the U.S. has worked hard to Americanize even geographical names of south Korea in a bid to convert it into its permanent colony....
Undying Feats of Kim Jong Il Lauded --
Pyongyang, September 29 (KCNA) -- Rodong Sinmun in an article today says Kim Jong Il is a gifted thinker and theoretician who has glorified the revolutionary idea of President Kim Il Sung as the eternal guiding idea of the era of independence with his outstanding ideological and theoretical activities
I can't make it through 2 pages of this stuff without howling in laughter. Ahh those whacky commies.
Weekend Humor
By Lt Col P
To balance out the somewhat dismal nature of the post on Islamic Expansionism below, I offer today's Day By Day cartoon on another Michelle Malkin post...
:-)
The Furby Who Knew Too Much
By John
Once upon a time, there was an air force squadron commander with a heart of gold. Said squadron commander loved his family, a nuclear family by any definition. Which was appropriate, as the squadron commander was in charge of one of the Air Force's 9 strategic missile squadrons.
One father's day, the squadron commander's children presented him with a Furby, a popular interactive stuffed animal that could listen, speak, and even carry on basic conversation. It was a bit of a gag gift, as the squadron commander found the "damn things ugly as sin." Being the good father that he was, the squadron commander proudly took his present into the office the next day, showing off his kids' sense of humor to his subordinates.
"Look," he said to one of his Lieutenants, "the flipping thing talks." After a few minutes of playing with his new toy, the squadron commander pushed the Furby off to the side of his desk. "Anyway, go ahead with your briefing."
The Lieutenant did as he was told, and briefed the squadron commander on some of the new highly classified targeting data that had come down from United States Strategic Command. "Good brief, Jim. I want to know as soon as the guys in the field have this stuff uploaded onto their birds." The Lieutenant saluted and left.
Later that day, the squadron commander's boss -the wing commander- dropped in to check in on things. "Slow day sir," said the squadron commander. "We had some new targeting data come in, all flights were in compliance as of 1430 hours. Hey, did I show you my father's day gift?" The squadron commander flipped on the Furby, and the toy's eyes opened wide.
But to the squadron commander's shock, the Furby began to talk. "Romeo Romeo Foxtrot...." The Wing Commander's eyes were now as wide as the Furby's. "Target data effective at..." The squadron commander's hand flew in like a bullet, half slapping the Furby's back, half fumbling for the "off" switch. "The sunavabitch records," breathed the squadron commander, realizing that -in his failure to turn the Furby off that morning- the stuffed animal had recorded the Lieutenant's entire targeting brief.
"Seems like we've got a bit of a security incident on our hands Bill," said the Wing Commander. "Take care of it. Oh, and that ugly little bastard is now classified Top Secret."
That evening, the squadron commander came home with his head sagging. "Hey dad!" said his daughter, "what did the guys think of your new office decoration!?"
"Sweetheart I've got some bad news," confessed the squadron commander.
"What, dad??"
"We had to have the Furby put to sleep."
To this day, per National Security Agency guidance, all Furbys are banned from secure areas. True story.
Cafe Ground Zero: Serving up Nuked Food for over 50 Years
By John
Bummer, a true cold war relic is fading into the sunset...
9/20/2006 - WASHINGTON (AFPN) -- The hot dog stand in the Pentagon's center courtyard, which long has been a source of Cold War intrigue, will be torn down in the coming months and replaced with a new eating facility."Rumor has it that during the Cold War the Russians never had any less than two missiles aimed at this hot dog stand," said Brett Eaton, an information and communications officer for Washington Headquarters Services. "They thought this was the Pentagon's most top secret meeting room, and the entire Pentagon was a large fortress built around this hot dog stand."
Reportedly, by using satellite imagery, the Soviets could see groups of U.S. military officers entering and exiting the hot dog stand at about the same time every day. They concluded that the stand was the entrance to an underground bunker.
Heh. If we could get the Soviets to dedicate two nuclear sorties to a hot dog stand, is anyone really surprised that we won the Cold War?
Bluegill Fish
By John
Delicious defenders of freedom.
The Plot Thickens
By John
Ah yes...
Israeli-US plot behind pope's remarks: Iran hardline press
Iranian hardline newspapers said there were signs of an Israeli-US plot behind remarks by Pope Benedict XVI that linked Islam to violence and created a wave of anger across the Muslim world.
The daily Jomhuri Islami said Israel and the United States -- the Islamic republic's two arch-enemies -- could have dictated the comments to distract attention from the resistance of the Shiite militant group Hezbollah to Israel's offensive on Lebanon."The reality is that if we do not consider Pope Benedict XVI to be ignorant of Islam, then his remarks against Islam are a dictat that the Zionists and the Americans have written (for him) and have submitted to him."
Indeed. My reaction:
Read More »
Mmm Mmm Good
By John
And I thought the mess hall food at VMI was bad.... just looky at what U2 pilots get to chow down on...
You're looking at beef stew, peach cobbler, and the lovely oozing stuff in the middle is the vegetarian selection.
All I can say is, by the looks of that applicator, I hope that stuff is designed to go in your mouth....
Picture of the Day: Virtual Wetting-Down
By Lt Col P
I'll be getting at the remnants of these later, join me in spirit with your spirits...
Aberlour is my go-to scotch. I gave up Grey Goose years ago in favor of Belvedere; if the Poles are standing by us in the war, it's the least I can do for them.
LtCol P
Picture of the Day: Virtual Wetting-Down
By Lt Col P
I'll be getting at the remnants of these later, join me in spirit with your spirits...
Aberlour is my go-to scotch. I gave up Grey Goose years ago in favor of Belvedere; if the Poles are standing by us in the war, it's the least I can do for them.
LtCol P
UAV Op-Ed
By John
The Onion never fails to bring "teh funny," thanks to reader Brian L. for sending this gem along...
Sensors Indicate That You're Setting Up For a Kickass Party
by A MQ-1 Predator Drone
Well, now, would you take a gander at what a routine 10-by-50-klick sweep of the U.S.-Mexico border has turned up on both visible-spectrum and ultra-infra? Seems a group of 12 to 14 local males has assembled a promising array of edible/potable organics along with both a high-potential-energy controlled heat source and a large-capacity solid-water encapsulation right in this here topologically consistent area! By which I mean, of course, a meat-griller, a beer-chiller, and a natural dance floor. You know, if my predictive diagnostics didn't know any better, I'd say that there has the makings of one hell of a shindig.This is one scene that's definitely worth establishing a low-sonic-output, nap-of-the earth reconnaissance patrol around. I think I'll just set myself a few waypoints that let me sniff the smoke and take in the sights, such as… Yes! My onboard predictive-aquifer map was right; the arroyo's filled up with nice cool rainwater. Perfect for skinny-dipping—and who just happens to have the finest array of undetectable airborne video equipment money can buy? That's right. Can't wait till the girls get here!
Saddam & Osama
By John
This TV Funhouse spoof of Jihadis had me in tears I was laughing so hard.
It's a little rough at parts, but generally work safe. Originally aired on Saturday Night Live in 2003.
Aim High!
By John
Even though I love the Raptor, this is pretty funny....
The Greatest TEWT Ever
By Maj P
Because we can all use some humor these days, I posted an amusing excerpt from one of my all time favorite military books, Bugles and a Tiger, over at my other blog. (What-- you didn't know I had another blog??? Why yes. Please drop by anytime, I'm always open for business. Come early, stay late.)
I posted it over there because it's slightly off-color, and we like to maintain a high-brow tone here ar Op-For.
Military vets will know what a TEWT is. If you're puzzled, ask a vet.
Enjoy!
Maj P
Progressive Mind Tricks
By John
The circus of denial is off to a flying start...
Think Progress on the WMD report released today:
Fox News’ Jim Angle contacted the Defense Department who quickly disavowed Santorum and Hoekstra’s claims. A Defense Department official told Angle flatly that the munitions hyped by Santorum and Hoekstra are “not the WMD’s for which this country went to war.”
Ah yes, I've heard this argument before.
These aren't the WMDs you're looking for....
Well I guess I can just go about my business then....
Naming Your Planes 101
By John
Introducing the F-35 "Black Mamba."
The Air Force chief of staff will name the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter by June 30, choosing from six monikers that range from the historic to the arcane, military and industry officials say. The Air Force and Navy both proposed Lightning II, while the Marine Corps advocated Spitfire II, said a U.S. officer familiar with the deliberations.The Air Force also submitted finalists Cyclone and Reaper, this officer said.The finalists also include two more curious suggestions – Black Mamba and Piasa.
Black Mamba? I guess Philippine Spitting Cobra and Gaboon Viper were already taken....
Hotel Tango: CDR Salamander
***Charlie adds (snarkily):
"In Africa, the saying goes 'In the bush, an elephant can kill you, a leopard can kill you, and a black mamba can kill you. But only with the mamba is death sure.' Hence its handle, 'Death Incarnate.'" Pretty cool, huh?"
Humor Update
By Charlie
Here is the complete PowerPoint version of "Bob on the Fob." Enjoy, and if anyone incorporates this into a BUB/CUB/Presentation, let me know and I'll post an update.
Also, I have a challenge to all of you PowerPoint Rangers out there: send me your most interesting/funniest/dumbest/most new-speak laden presentation. Knowledge (or lack thereof) is best when shared.
I found a funny Military Cartoon, at last!
By Charlie
/more to come.
