I have been thinking about my hook for a while now. I listened to all your comments and tried to improve on the first draft.
Editors and the people that will see my proposal get hundreds of these things a week. I want to suck the editor in, even if I must use “mindless fluff.” The hook will stand alone on the first page of my proposal. THE ONLY purpose of the hook is to get the editor to turn the page. Editors see so many proposals that the vast majority are set aside before page two.
Richard S. Lowry is the author of The Gulf War Chronicles and Marines in the Garden of Eden.
My second page will be a single-page synopsis of the book. I think that the synopsis is even more important than the hook. Here, again, in a single page, I must show how I am going to deliver on my promise; I must describe the book. The sole purpose of the synopsis is to get the reader to turn the page – again. Lots more proposals end up in the circular file after the synopsis is read.
Okay, now I hope to have the reader hooked on my story. I have shown him/her that I can captivate a reader and that I know how to write a “page turner.” If the editor goes on, I have scored big points – in just two short pages.
This is where the “mindless fluff” concept is critically important. I must entice the editor in a couple of sentences. My hook must be captivating, but not mindless. My hook must make a promise that I can prove I will deliver on within the pages of the book. So, I have been molding my hook and rewriting. It still may need a little tweaking, but think it is better now:
“[Book Title - the fight for Fallujah is the story of the kids down the block who went off to fight in the battle that changed the war in Iraq. Operation Phantom Fury was the beginning of the end for al-Qaeda in Iraq and a life-changing event for those who were there. Richard Lowry will place you among these brave men and women who fought a determined enemy at the crossroads of civilization. This is a story of courage, sacrifice and valor.”
Please feel free to comment. I need all the help I can get. And, stay tuned for the Synopsis. I am about three drafts into completing the single most important page of the writing project.
This is a continuing series, Catch up on previous posts here.
Richard S. Lowry is the author of The Gulf War Chronicles and Marines in the Garden of Eden.
“is the story of the kids down the block who”
Fix that.
Editor staring at three prep phrases in a row type situation.
Best to you.
I like this version a lot better than the first one. I think perhaps it would be improved by changing “at the crossroads of civilization” to something a little more sober. You’ve certainly got more experience with editors than I do, so if you think a touch of Hollywood-style drama is necessary, I understand. However, you are writing about real people, shedding real blood, in a real war, just a few years ago. It feels … i don’t know … disrespectful, somehow … to go that route. Sorry I can’t express this more concisely … :-(
tend to agree with Steve, in that this is one of your strongest pieces Richard.
I like where this is headed.
My attention was drawn to the same two phrases as were B52 geezer and Steve:
I don’t like “kids”, but perhaps that is the way to go these days; I’d prefer “young folks” or even “youngsters”;
I like “crossroads of civilization” as it evokes “cradle of civilization”, and in an earlier post you explained how Fallujah actually is a crossroads city — and this area is special in world history.
There, 2 cents exactly.